Relax, The Pressure’s On

There’s So Much To Do, I Can Hardly Breathe!

A few weeks ago a client came to me with tears in her eyes.  “I need your help,” she said.  “I’m just so overwhelmed.  I know I need to say no to some things, but honestly I just feel like I can’t.  Help!”

I could feel the desperation behind her words.  This particular client has a job that keeps her constantly on the run.  Her role requires her to be super-responsive… as do her young kids, her aging parents, and her volunteer commitments.  She’s so busy she barely has space to breathe.

I mean that quite literally.  Her normal, everyday way of breathing is a short pant.  Her shoulders shrug up around her ears as if she’s shouldering a great burden.  This makes it hard for her to get a full breath.  (Try it yourself – lift up your shoulders and see how it affects your breathing.)  At times she has a look of panic in her eyes.  Inhabiting her body this way affected the way she was responding to the overwhelm.

Pretend I’m Your Overwhelm

“OK”, I said.  “Let’s see how I can help.”  We stood up and I gave her some short instructions.  I would represent the many requests she hears each day, ranging from “you need to work out a new contract with this vendor” to “Mom, can you help with my homework?”.  As I walked toward her with a request, she had some choices for how to react.  She could join with me and walk in my direction, (meaning, “sure, I can do that”) let me go by, (“not now, maybe later”) or turn me back in the other direction (“no, I’m sorry I can’t help with that.”)

Standing a few feet apart, I walked towards her with the first request.  Then I turned around and approached her again wtih another request.  And another.  And another.  I sped up the pace.  I made more requests.  I put the pressure on.  I acted like her life.

Under pressure, she spun out.  Although she could have stepped aside and let some of my requests just go by, she felt compelled to interact with me every time.  As the pace increased, she started to back away as I approached.  After each request she would spin around to deal with the next thing – sometimes spinning several times before she moved on.

In this way, her body revealed exactly what she does in her life.  Her embodied response to overwhelm – what she does immediately and automatically, without even thinking about it – is to respond to every request.  She fails to discern what’s important to her, and she responds to everything in equal measure, though rarely with her best.  In trying to do the impossible and deal with everything that’s thrown at her, she gets panicked and spun out, using far more energy than is needed to deal with the onslaught effectively.

Move From Love

The next thing I did was to ask her why it was important to say no to some things.  “Because of my health,” she said.  “And my family.  I want to feel better, and I want to be able to spend more time with my kids.”  We explored this a bit, until she could really feel the longing for better health and more family time.  That longing was the fuel we needed for the next step.

Once she felt connected to what she truly cares about, I had her practice what it felt like to be relaxed in her body: shoulders dropped, breath dropped, eyes relaxed.  Then we went back to the requests.

I approached her again with requests for her time and attention.  This time, the entire interaction had a very different feel.  Even though I kept the pace up and the pressure on, this time she was relaxed and present.  She kept her top priorities about health and family in mind.  She addressed some requests, and let others go by, making deliberate choices about what to respond to.  At times the sense of panic would return; then she would take a deep breath, relax further, and face the next thing head on.  By relaxing more she stayed in command of the situation.

And get this – as the person making the requests, I felt better taken care of.  Rather than being subject to her panicked, spun out, frantic energy, I could feel that she was really with me.  She didn’t respond every time I asked her to do something, but when she did, she was really there.  And that made the whole experience much more pleasant on my end, too.

Relax, The Pressure’s On

There are quite a few lessons you can draw from this experience.  I’ll tease out just a few.

1. You are at your most powerful when you are relaxed.
An alert, attentive, relaxed stance is the most effective way to enter into nearly any situation. Too much tension robs you of your brilliance.  Think of an Olympic diver on a high dive, or a master violinist about to play to a large audience.  Yes, the pressure’s on, but these elite athletes and musicians know a paradoxical secret: the more relaxed you are, the more your performance improves.  Imagine the diver tensing up before he launches off the platform – how do you think that dive would go?

2. Center in what you care about.
If you find yourself feeling spun out and overwhelmed, relax, connect to what you care about, and be choiceful about what you take on.  Respond to those things that are aligned with your cares, and leave aside those that aren’t.  The free Stress to Serenity Guide can help with that.

3. Taking care of yourself takes care of others, too.
Relaxing and slowing down can change the entire tone of an interaction.  Although it may feel like you need to speed up to meet everyone’s demands, it’s likely that relationships will improve if you instead relax under pressure and say no when you need to.

And the Story Goes On

This client now knows what it feels like to relax under pressure and say no when she needs to.  She’s experienced how doing so can actually strengthen relationships.  Now she’s taking that experience into her daily life.  With practice, this can become more than just an insight or a memory – it can become a new way of being in the world that allows her more freedom, more choice, and more of what she loves.

I invite you to practice right now, too.  Before you move on to tackle your next task, consider this:  What’s most deeply important to you?  Not your idea of what’s important, but what feels important.  What makes your heart sing?  When do you feel love?  What’s the future you most want to live your way into?  Pause for a moment and get connected to that.  Take a deep breath and relax into it.  Release any tension you might be holding, as best you can.

Yes, you’ve got a lot to do.  Me too.  For the sake of our own lives and for the sake of the world, let’s practice doing the most important things, with love.