As I write, I’m in the air traveling. Sitting on the plane, in one of those lovely, spacious middle seats, I suddenly noticed this:
I sit, legs crossed, shoulders shrugged in, making every kind of unconscious, non-voluntary effort to be smaller.
And then this:
The two gents on either side of me, sitting with elbows and knees spread wide.
Hmmm.
As I looked across the aisle, I saw the same pattern repeated across two rows. Women: small-ing. Men: big-ing.
Biologists have long known that across species, open postures tend to signal and grant access to power and resources, whereas closed postures do the opposite. Dr. Amy Cuddy’s excellent and increasingly popular research at Harvard has shown that not only does this axiom apply to humans, but also that we can deliberately change our own internal sense of power – as well as the perceptions of others – simply by changing our posture.
So I uncrossed my legs. And went on reading my book.
Granted, both of my seating companions were easily a foot taller than me. And of course there are anatomical and biomechanical differences in men’s and women’s bodies that make different positions more or less comfortable.
But a lot of this is cultural, too.
For generations, women have been shown in every conceivable way that it’s better to be small, demure, and accommodating. Around the world, this code is built into culture, religion, and even law.
And so this way of being shows up in our bodies, whether we mean for it to or not. Even for me, even though I spend virtually all of my time exploring the relationship between body, brain, and behavior.
So if you’re not obsessed with this subject on a daily basis, just think what your body might be doing behind your back!
Of course, there are certainly some women who have found a way to use this small-ing thing to their advantage. Others of us react against it, and do everything we can to get as big as possible.
But really, wouldn’t it be nice to just take up your natural amount of space? You’re here, for goodness sake. And you have the right to be.
When you take up the space that naturally belongs to you, it tends to command respect. That’s what Dr. Cuddy’s research shows. And it’s what happened for me on the plane.
I didn’t touch either of the men sitting next to me, and I didn’t ask them to move. But after reading for a few pages, I suddenly became aware that they had both made space for me.
Simply by changing my way of sitting, I created a more equitable sharing of one of the most limited resources on the plane.
So what’s the takeaway?
Ladies: take up your own natural space! Get comfortable in your own skin. Learn how to silently but powerfully command the respect you deserve. And if you want some help with this, check out the Confidence, Power, and Voice workshop. Jay and I would love to bring it to your town, so let us know if you’re interested.
And for you gents: be mindful that you may have become accustomed to a power that occurs for you so naturally and so automatically that you may not even be aware that you have it. Pay close attention to how your body might be reinforcing this, for you and for others. There’s no need to make yourself smaller. But if you want to live in a more equitable and just world, consider how you might share your power with others. I can think of worse ways to begin.
Leave a Reply